Just another douche bag

Lost soul, original image--> (dpreview.com)

I am a nice guy, but even nice guys can be bad. One bad deed can haunt you for a long time, something that I know all too well.

I was reading the last letter that she ever wrote me the other night while bed ridden by the flu from hell, I was caught in a moment of nostalgia spurred on by the disorientating effects of antibiotics. Like most nights I spend by myself the ghosts in my past were torturing me again, an unhealthy trend that I pray stops before I lose my sanity. Unlike the first letter she wrote me which was filled with hugs, kisses and emotion so genuine that it would induced an unexplainable fuzziness inside me. This one is laced with a cold regret and anger, lots of anger. Most of it directed towards me, anger I did not understand till today. Anger that I thought was undeserved and misdirected, but now I know its anger that I was responsible for creating.

I did what most men do; I tried to change her and stopped listening at the vital moments. I never noticed it but I was stupidly selfish, I took who she was and tried to alter her inner core to fit my needs. I asked her to compromise who she was to make me happy, I asked her to do things that were out of her character.

I blew hot and cold like a confused little girl in a toy store surrounded by Barbie dolls. No wonder she asked me “what the heck do you want from me?, seems like whatever I do is never good enough for you”. Now I get why she yelled that specific question at me like a striking mine worker. Two years too late, but I get it now and I’ve made peace with it. I did the most selfish thing a human being can do; when she walked away and tried to start afresh I tried to hold her back. Like a typical Wambo male I refused to let her go, I didn’t have the closure I have now; I was as much in denial as I was delusional. I tried to pull her into my unresolved issues Instead of dealing with my shit! When all she wanted to do was to live her life.

Sure it hurts that she erased me and walked without looking back but I made my bed and I can’t expect anyone else but me to lie in it. I am very compassionate; my hands can always be lent to help out even when they are already full. But for those few mad weeks when I switched myself off emotionally and ignored her like she had the bubonic plague to the point where she thought I had someone else, at that moment I was just another douche bag. When she called me in the middle of the night and I ignored her call, I was just another douche bag. When she emailed me and I refused to hit the reply button, I was just another douche bag. When she dropped all her fears, questions and insecurities in my inbox and I ignored it and went about facebooking like an idiot, I was just another douche bag. Every single time I said something sarcastically hurtful and unsupportive, I was just another douche bag. When I as a mere mortal played with her emotions to the point where her happiness depended on my mood, I was just another douche bag.

A thousand apologies can never change things or uncry those tears that flowed unnecessarily down your beautiful face. I might have been going through a stress and home sickness induced mental and emotional meltdown but no number of excuses can justify blocking someone who was always in your corner completely out. This is not to open up old wounds, it’s just to say sorry again for being just another douche bag. Genuinely glad to see that you are happy.

I’ve already written too much, so I will stop here.

 

Comments

  1. Anonymous14 November 2012 at 14:26

    Wonder if she read it! Lesson learnt hopefully! Btw its Mpume

    ReplyDelete

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