Its complicated
"I held in my pain, so I could help you with yours. You are now my pain, holding it in hurts me, letting it out hurts you." I held in my pain, I put that shit to the side. So that I could be there for you, to help you deal with pain. I wanted to stay strong for you, be you rock on soft ground, your anchor in rough seas. I never knew that you can't postpone the effects of pain indefinitely, you can delay them but that only makes them much worse. When they hit me, I had no Idea what the fuck was happening to me. I felt my hear overheat like an old cars engine, I thought I was hearing voices. I was slowly losing my mind, my sanity was sliding off its hinges and I was scared shitless. Frightened people do very stupid things, I turned away from the one person who gave me strength. I gave her a shoulder so cold it almost was inhumane, I doubt she will ever trust me again. In my selfishness, I never thought about her, never realized that in my stupid and childish action