Its complicated



"I held in my pain, so I could help you with yours. You are now my pain, holding it in hurts me, letting it out hurts you."

I held in my pain, I put that shit to the side. So that I could be there for you, to help you deal with pain. I wanted to stay strong for you, be you rock on soft ground, your anchor in rough seas. I never knew that you can't postpone the effects of pain indefinitely, you can delay them but that only makes them much worse. When they hit me, I had no Idea what the fuck was happening to me. I felt my hear overheat like an old cars engine, I thought I was hearing voices. I was slowly losing my mind, my sanity was sliding off its hinges and I was scared shitless. Frightened people do very stupid things, I turned away from the one person who gave me strength. I gave her a shoulder so cold it almost was inhumane, I doubt she will ever trust me again. In my selfishness, I never thought about her, never realized that in my stupid and childish actions I was wrecking the temple that we built together. I was in free fall, spontaneous combustion of the mind and of the heart. These things never end well, true to form it didn't end well. She walked away, she wiped away the tears, pushed the memories aside and kept walking. She just walked, never been so devastated in my life. Too ashamed to chase  and too confuse to walk away, I just watched her leave. I knew I was fucked, every man who let's a good thing go has that feeling, that "I am truly fucked" feeling.

She is now my pain. What hurts more than letting happiness slip through your fingers like drops of water, nothing! I watch her from a distance, silently stalk her. Stalk her in a good way of course, I'm not a psycho you know. She looks happy, even her body shows it. She’s now got cheeks that are puffy like a Herero woman's head dress. That hurts me, it hurts me to know that she is happy and I'm not part of it (it’s selfish and dumb, I know that). Maybe I should just lay my cards on the table, but we've been there before. I am scared to do more damage than I've already done, brave men take risks. But braver men refuse taking risks that can hurt other people, that’s my head talking. Try telling that to my heart. The heart is like a spoiled child. The heart wants what the heart wants, and my heart wants her. I have wanted other women, but its not the same. You could give me Miss Universe and I would want her (What guy would not want to ravage Miss Universe winner, those chicks are hot!), I am a man and men are physical beings (take this out of context if you want to). But it wouldn't feel right, because my heart would not want her: my heart wants you.

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