Valentines is cancelled

Before all you hopeless romantics panic and go into cardiac arrest, you should note that Valentines is not really cancelled, even if I wanted to cancel it I just would not be able to; because the chocolate and wine makers, restaurants and flower shops would go out of business. The headline was just to catch your attention and get you to read this.

In Namibia it seems as though the concept of Valentine’s Day is mostly embraced by married couples spicing things up and love struck teenagers in high school. Most of the gentleman I know have broken up with their girlfriends to avoid paying for flowers that die in two days, chocolates that go straight to a woman’s hips and expensive restaurants that serve you steaks smaller than the slices at Kapana. Yep! Namibian guys are that cheap. We just don’t care about such things, romance is a foreign concept and lucky for me I don’t have a girlfriend to temporarily break up with, hence my conscience is clean come the 14th of February.

Normally I would stand up for the male species and go all Kanezambo Kanezambo on valentine’s day, just start calling it a hoax made up by stupid hungry commercialists (probably Owambo’s) who can’t find another excuse to sell their merchandise. But I am forever contaminated by the French and their penchant for romance and making women feel special. So if you’re planning to spoil your special someone on valentines, then go ahead because I won’t judge, make that person close to you feel loved and appreciated; be it your mom (if you’re a mommy’s boy), wife, uncle, dad (if you’re daddy’s girl), girlfriend, mistress, side chick or even your dog. Refrain from being a typical African and do something for someone else for a change.

So if you are planning to go all out then don’t take her to some place that you can’t even afford, rather arrange for the two of you to cook something together, she can cover the simple task of cooking the food while you do the more important stuff like chopping onions, fetching spices, setting the oven timer, adding water and tasting stuff. If you’re more of an outdoor person then take your special someone on a picnic, I can personally testify that this one works wonders if you choose the right setting (Trust me! I might be Mr lonely but I know this stuff). Those of you lucky enough to live in seaside towns then I suggest that you pick up a bottle of wine (preferably red), take of your shoes and head to the beach (no one ever said that romance had to be expensive). Now I’m sure you’re thinking that most of this stuff sounds lame, but that’s what being romantic is, doing stuff that sounds lame as opposed to doing stuff that is actually lame (like buying her chocolates when she told you that chocolate gives her acne *listen when she talks*).

I will not be celebrating Valentine’s day in retaliation to all the pretty girls who have dumped me into the friend zone (you know yourselves); I mean seriously now! I’m getting slightly annoyed with yaa’ll, so much that I’m considering going back to France then finding myself a white girl (then you will have concrete reason to call me a coconut), so no romance from me this year (will probably be too busy collecting rocks anyways).

I will take my leave by leaving you with a tale of Valentine’s in Varsity. I once was in love with this slender girl with a long forehead; I even went to the point of buying her chocolates on valentines. She responded by ignoring me and telling me that she didn’t even like the chocolates (ungrateful @##$@%). So on that bombshell, Valentine’s is cancelled (hope I don’t get sued by the gents at top gear for stealing their line).

Note: Kanezambo Kanezambo or KK as he is well known is Namibia’s minister of youth, sport and something else. He recently attacked a journalist for asking him funny questions (but that’s what they teach them in journalism school), threw the poor journo out, threatened him and confiscated his voice recorder (just in case you were confused).

Mr Lonely

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