The modern family - A soccer fan's interpretation

If you’re reading this, then that wanker Howard Camping got it wrong again (Idiot!) and the world did not end on the 22nd of May. As if we don’t already know that the world will end in 500 million years when the sun begins to burn out, but with the string of disasters this year; floods in Namibia, Dead birds in the US, Osama getting shot in the head, Earthquakes in New Zealand and Japan, Local elections in SA, Rebecca Black’s Friday song and First Semester exams at Varsities all over the world. One can be forgiven for thinking the World was coming to an end.

Families have changed overtime, but u still can’t choose your family. Most families are like sport teams, in the normal one’s it’s the kids versus the parents, in the almost normal families it’s one kid and a parent against the other kid and the other parent. In the really messed up families, everyone (kids, parents and even the dog) works together to get the job done.

If we analyse closely most families are like sport teams in a way, to clear things up let me demonstrate using a few positions on the soccer field as an example.

  1. Mom = Goalkeeper, Moms are generally dependable and always there to save the day not to mention always screaming at every little mistake you make, goalkeepers in turn are similar to moms, they provide a safe pair of hands and are usually reliable (Excluding Robert Green and Heurelio Gomes).


  1. Dad = Manager (Sir Alex, Benitez, Wenger, Mourinho), Dads are the schemers and they call the shots. If they get them right then the team/family wins, if they get them wrong then the team/family gets relegated. In reality just as there are bad Managers (Steve Bruce, Maradona, Avram Grant and Claudio Ranieri) Bad fathers also exist, so in those times when managers don’t provide the results they eventually get fired (Divorce). Every player/child wishes to have a good Dad/Manager and ever Dad/Manager hopes to be a great influence on his child/player.

  1. First Born = Striker/Center forward, think Torres, Drogba, Rooney and Andy Carroll and you get the first born, amazingly dangerous, efficient and hard to stop when in full flight. But sulky, moody and cry babies when things are not going right (First born’s are the bigger complainers in the world).

  1. Second born = Central Midfielder/Emergency Centreback, Third born’s are misunderstood beings, they are the all action, put their body on the line type of players, they give everything and yet it’s the firstborn’s who get all the credit and the last born’s who get all the plaudits. Very versatile and ever obedient to rules and the formation they are a manager’s dream; think Lucas Leiva, Yaya Toure, Andrea Pirlo, Xabi Alonso, Mikel Arteta and Cesc Fabregas. When the team/family is not on form and the manager (Dad) and the goalkeeper (Mom) are at each other’s throats (waking the neighbours) it’s usually the third born who uses inbuilt protective instincts to shield (Avoiding getting caught in crossfire) the first and second born’s by taking the responsibility on their shoulders.

  1. Last born = Winger/Wide Midfield/Central attacking midfield… oonkelo/eengelo are like protected species, fast, skillful , intelligent and quick to hit the ground even if it’s just the wind that blew at them. Think Ronaldo, Messi , David Silva, Luka Modric and Robinho. Last born’s naturally seek attention and are always in the media, not their fault though, they don’t know any better. They are always first to Dive/Run away from chores and first to snitch/Con the referee into dishing out cards. But you can’t fault them because they are entertaining and on their day they wreck havoc/throw a trantrum.

  1. Cousins/Adopted/Taken in = All action striker/Attacking Midfielder/Support Striker… have you ever seen Van Persie hit a thunderbolt, or seen Van der Vaart place a classic and don’t tell me you have never seen Wesley Schneider create Magic? No.. thought I told yaa’ll to watch soccer in my last post. But I am sure you have seen Charlie Adam hit a Hollywood pass and pierce a wall with a freekick? No.. How about a Steve Gerrard Pile driver straight into the corner with ultimate power?  Those who watch Footie get the point, some kids are special but are born into bad circumstances so good managers spot them/take them in or sign/Adopt them to their team where they produce unbelievable feats. Ever loyal and great team players, they are very rare and hard to find

  1. Aunts/Uncles = Scouts and Agents, you might want to watch yourselves around these guys because you never really know whose side they are on, usually they’re harmless but at times they are the reason why the team struggles, when they do their work the team is unstoppable, they usually have an aptitude for working with young children/Junior players, but when they don’t do their job the results are catastrophic.

  1. The maid/Garden boy = Support staff (physio, kit man and security). The team is not complete without the men and women who take care of the players, make sure they are always looking good and that their socks are clean. Players usually name their kids after them.

  1. Grandparents = Club Chairmen, the god fathers and mothers, all respect and gratitude is given to these great pioneers, whose legacy is carried on by players, coaches, managers, scouts, support staff and agents.

Hope that I have covered everyone in the modern family (I don’t count dogs and cats) and provided a better understanding of how families evolve through time. So I will end with a shout out to my family, you guys are the best.
Yes, Once upon a time we were that small

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