The fictional sovereign republic of Namtweepia

With all the talk of potential candidates for the Namibian presidency being hushed and silenced, I thought to myself, would it not be great if I could create my own republic, become its president and choose my own cabinet from my facebook friends and twitter followers. So I let my imagination run wild and the results are below (keep reading).

I hereby create the fictional sovereign republic of Namtweepia. Since this republic is a figment of my imagination I hereby pronounce myself president of the Republic of Namtweepia, I promise to uphold the highest office of the land to the best of my abilities, till god say’s otherwise, blah..blah..blah. Did I hear someone say, why me? Are there no elections in Namtweepia? Again, my imagination, my rules! In addition I declare elections an expensive time consuming exercise. The constitution is sacred and shall only be changed to allow me another term or to make me president for life. But do not despair, in true African tradition I am a dictator, but a generous one.

The Cabinet of the Republic of Namtweepia

Office of the Prime minister

In the African tradition of giving top jobs to friends and family I hereby name @Chuabiness as prime minister of Namtweepia. So that he does not get bored I also appoint @Jeannamibian as Deputy Prime minister, why you might ask? Because she rules the twittersphere (enough said).

Minister of Education, Research and all cool stuff

I appoint Google as minister of education, because Google knows everything mos! So who better to educate young Namtweepians. Google even taught me how to tie a tie. I’m sure some of you are asking, how is my fictional country going to run with a search engine in control of education and research, Well the real Namibia’s education system has been run by human’s for twenty years and see how well that has turned out.

Minister of Safety and Security

This position was originally designated to @bubbs07, but since I discovered that she dropped out and never finished ninja school, I opt to appoint the Grim Reaper as enforcer of Law and order. Any wise guys who dare say “No fair, does death even have a twitter account?” should note that Harry Simon is Deputy Minister. The only thing scarier than hearing death is after you, is hearing that death and Harry Simon are after you (I doubt anyone will step out of line).

Minister of Finance

This is quite an important portfolio; it has to be assigned to a trustworthy and financially savvy tweep, so I appoint @Joey7Barton as minister of finance. I’m sure most of you are wondering why I would appoint a half crazy soccer player who exhibits extremely violent behaviour even to his own team mates. It’s simple, no one is going to dip their hands in the cookie jar and be corrupt if they knew Joey Barton would turn up at their office to punch, kick or punch and kick them (I wouldn’t and I’m his fictional boss). On the flipside the man is one of the greatest philosophers football has known since Eric Cantona, he makes Wayne Rooney look like he has the intelligence level of a vegetable (I’d think even a vegetable is smarter than Rooney).

Minister of Justice

I can tell you one thing for sure Dirk Conradie is not minister of justice in Namtweepia. Empowerment works differently over here. So I appoint @layiggy as minister. I hope that I won’t regret that decision. To make sure I don’t regret it, I appoint @PrincessNdillo as deputy minister of justice. You must be asking why? I could not find another ministry so she has to settle for second in charge at justice.

Minister of Trade and Industry

Since they are always tweeting about business and entrepreneurship, I appoint @RealJohnAnton and @Symbolliemdu as minister and Deputy respectively. Let’s hope they are not all talk and no action, like most African governments of the last two decade. The empty promises dished out in politics, can make a dog bite itself.

Minister of Information, Cultural preservation and Broadcasting propaganda

Who better to uphold this fine office and still instil a sense of culture, respect and ubuntu than @NthugBaby, all information shall be screened by this ministry before it is released to make sure it’s safe. She will be assisted by two deputies, @phil_mos and @Kamdrew. They are always on TV introducing companies to people, so who better to introduce Namtweepians to my philosophy than those two.

Minister of Health

Being a very important ministry, I appoint @bubbs07 to this post. She’s not a doctor yet, but they say laughter is the best medicine, so I’m sure she can prescribe a few of her blogs. I can testify that her blogs are hilarious and can cure anything except stupidity. She will be ably assisted by @young_voice196, She reassures me that most of her patients are alive when she runs tests on them, so you are in good hands.

Minister of Gender and Women’s affairs

You’d think I’d appoint a woman to this post, but this is Namtweepia. We do things differently, with his experience in counselling and other stuff; I appoint @ThadInpro as minister. He will be assisted by @Niitakickass, she ends up at this ministry because I was told by minister of Finance that we can’t afford a ministry of Twitter after Dark.

Minister of Sport

To make sure the country produces great sporting talent I appoint @TemusT as minister of sport, so that he does not brainwash the nation into supporting Manchester United, I appoint staunch Liverpool fan @Homa10i as his deputy. That should make for an interesting day at the office for all. To add spice to proceedings @Misspetrus shall be permanent secretary, she always has an interesting view of sport events, especially arsenal games.

Minister of Youth

Julius Malema was in line for this post, but the ANC and SWAPO invaded my imagination and put a stop to my plans. How they went into my head? I have no idea. I pondered giving it to KK, but we have already tried that, so I appoint @Shipululo for his desire to empower the youth. To finally put his ideas into reality when he finally finishes his PhD, I appoint @Tjiurimo (Alfredo Hengari) as permanent secretary. Mainly to irritate Citizen Nahas Angula, whose not on twitter or facebook but I’m sure someone will tell him (hibernators are everywhere I tell you).

Minister of Technology and Gadgets

I appoint @NyomZ_3 as minister and @ChesterShilongo as deputy minister to this portfolio, why? Well I am president and I can appoint whoever l like, so if I don’t feel like explaining and appointment, then I won’t. It’s up to this ministry to make sure the other ministers know how to turn their computers on.

Minister of Home and foreign affairs and National Planning Agency

Having been informed that the state has spent considerable portion of the national budget to acquire my presidential vehicle, which is a shiny new bugatti Veyron. I have no money for two affairs ministries so the two have been combined. Thus Fessbook Nicodemus and Fessbook Nakatana popularly known as @Kondja and @Sheefeni will do a Pendukeni Iithana and wear three hats at the same time. I’m assuming the Fessbook with the smaller head will wear two hats while the other wears the remaining one. And as if that was not enough, the will head the national planning agency, it’s their job to plan on how Namtweepia will tackle poverty, crime, unemployment, education and other national problems.

Minister of Arts

To promote arts and creativity, I appoint @_LadyE. She’s a published writer so I’m assuming that she knows about such stuff and also coz she wrote a piece like this one (I’m assuming she won’t sue).

Minister of Mines, Energy, Sunlight, Land, Environmental and food affairs

I appoint myself (I bet you didn’t see that one coming?). Did I hear someone say “that can’t be, the president is supposed to be star of the show and delegate responsibility”, well it does not say that I can’t delegate to myself. So I’m gona do a Juju Malema and nationalise the mines (My republic, my rules!), then I’m gona use that money to buy all our land back and give each Namibian two hectares to farm on (in the back of my mind I’m already encountering problems with this plan).

I order the sun to shine and shine some more so I can build a mega-humangous-gigantic solar power plant (always wanted to do that). I order the wind to blow so that I can build wind turbines (that would be so cool). I’ve also contemplated building a nuclear reactor but I’m sure the Americans would not be happy about that (always putting their noses in other people’s businesses). I’m also keen to discover oil on the Atlantic coast so we can go to Angola and by up houses in the suburbs and clean out the clothing stores like they’ve been doing over here.

Im my last act I appoint @MariaNepembe as first lady, ahem! *cough cough* Maybe appoint is a strong word. Hence let me rephrase that, the responsibility of looking beautiful, fabulous and elegant while standing next to the president falls to @MariaNepembe. I’m sure some of you are thinking “How can the president hook up with Dirty Kandeshi?”, valid point but that was just a video and she was just acting (none of the money stealing, leg opening and deceit portrayed is real) or so my security chief has told me.

Side note: All members of cabinet are required to go to the gym and lose weight so that they can fit into their Toyota corolla’s, Namtweepia is a nation of equal’s so even ministers will ride in corolla’s only his Excellency the president is exempted. He shall roll in a bugatti veyron funded by increased revenue from the tax imposed on prostitution and marijuana, which are both legal in Namtweepia.

Note: Namtweepia is a figment of my imagination (its only real in my head) so I hope no one was left out of the cabinet, if so, sorry ngoo!