Sleepless

Its 1h45 AM, I'm still awake, not by choice of course. I've been bed for an hour and the closest I've come to falling asleep is the title of the song I am now listening to, what wizardry is this? Music tends to calm the nerves, it usually helps but tonight it’s been as affective as Manchester United’s players. I've been downstairs twice (thought walking up and down the stairs would help), I'm not a sheep counter, I'll try anything once but counting sheep is stupid. I go to bed tired but after five minutes, my mind is more aware than ever. My brain refuses to shut down, every single problem I have decides to go swimming in my mind just as I go to bed. Sometimes I wish problems could be intimidated with threats of a good ass whopping like little children.

Maybe I am losing it? Maybe I have finally lost my last three marbles. I am tired, stressed and worried and that's on a good day. What am I like on my worst day? Well, trust me when I say that you don't want to see me on my worst day. On my worst day I will make you believe the rumours, that I am three marbles short of a full set and have a screw loose.

I've realized that I now carry my problems with me, they're evident. They show up in my short fuse and you can't ignore them in my inability to show interest or give a fuck. I swear that Beyoncé could show up naked at my door and I would send her next door to my coloured neighbours, I think. I am very irritable, people enrage me for no apparent reason. If you ask me, I'd say that I am slowly unravelling. Slowly coming apart at the seams, I've started breaking down. The worst part is that I am stressed and worried about something I can't control. That's the part that drives me loopy, I have no control. Besides all I've done to ensure that I have an advantage in life and can play a role in how my life turns out. Right now, I have no control and it truly scares me more than it drives me looney.

When I did my internship, I had a bottle of brandy under the kitchen sink in my apartment. It was there for sleepless nights, alcohol in measured quantities helps. It levels you out, I think. I am not sure, but it worked then. But back then I was a stressed Masters Student whose only worry was his thesis, I have more things to worry about now. I am not going to try and self-medicate with brandy this time around because I am pretty sure that I won't stop at the first glass. The last thing I want is developing a dependency on distilled alcoholic beverages.

In the morning, I will drag myself out of bed and invigorate myself with a caffeinated beverage. Yes, after two years without as much as a sip of meteorite juice, I am drinking it again (coffee = meteorite juice, in case you didn't get the joke). I will be a little tired, mildly worried and slightly stressed like a cleaner at home affairs when people step on a wet floor with dirty sneakers (excuse the pun). But I will be fine, until bedtime of course. When the miserable cycle will start all over again. Insomnia and I have been back together for two weeks, match made in heaven if you ask me but that's just me being sarcastic.