The los shandie theory

Isaac Newton was hit on the head by an apple, he was probably sleeping under the apple tree but no one questions these scientists we just believe what they say; he went on to formulate several theories and three very important laws of physics. 

Typical los shandies - original pic from http://media.concreteloop.com/

On the other hand, I’ve never been hit on the head with an apple; though I have been hit on the head with a beer can by a scar faced ngandjera washe. Unfortunately after one blow the can ended up with a huge dent, what can I say; I have a hard head. He tried to hustle me for N$ 40.00 at a Tate Buti concert, as much as I like his perverted sense of humor I regret going to that show, that’s one of the reason’s I hate going to music shows. You never know who you will find there, just patiently waiting for you to make their day a good one by playing your role and providing them with a wallet or cell phone that they can affirmatively repossess. That will not hinder me from formulating a very important theory, not only for the sexually frustrated man but for modern society. Consider this a breakthrough in the modern study of interactions between young men and women.

Introduction: A los shandie is Afrikaans slang it translates to “a loose thing” in English; it can also be substituted by the term “los ding”. A los shandie is commonly known as a side dish/chick, mistress, druik stekie, okafuko or kamboroto to name but a few variations from the local languages. It describes a maiden/young woman who opens her legs faster than the Firefox internet web browser when you press the right buttons. Below follows the three laws that govern the behaviour and patterns of a los shandie.

The Laws of the los shandie

1st Law: A man can only take one directional stress; he can't take bi-directional stress.

A man can only take stress and bull crap from one woman. Usually he takes it from his main chick/madam boss; he can't take stress from her and also from his los shandie. It just cannot happen; a man can only handle the outbursts and tantrums of one woman, there are only so many oestrogen side effects that a man can take. 

The los shandie must stay in her lane; she must know her place in the hierarchy. She cannot attempt to disturb the structure of the food chain. Only when madam boss is no longer in favour and a man is in the process of indirectly ridding himself of his madam boss by ignoring her can he then take stress from a los shandie. Because in this case the los shandie will most probably temporarily or if she is lucky permanently fill the position of madam boss

2nd Law: One can be both, but both can't be one.

A los shandie to one man may be another’s madam boss: after all one man's Tafel lager is another man's Jack Daniels or something like that. Simplified, this means: your mistress can’t be your wife, although your mistress can be someone else’s wife (it’s confusing, I know).

I know this law is slightly confusing, so I will explain. You want a girlfriend, who is totally faithful to you, a real woman in every sense of the word. It is imperative for you to make sure that your girlfriend is not someone else’s los shandie. However, we are men, and we expect to have our cake and eat it. We don’t bother ourselves if the girl who is our side dish is actually someone’s girlfriend, my loose thing can be someone’s girlfriend. If he finds out that I am practically stealing meat from his pot, a man will most likely get rid of his girlfriend and pat the fellow man on the shoulder for showing him his woman’s despicable manners. Whilst men might compete for women we do not physically fight other men over them, which is the way it was until recently; when dudes started shooting each other over women (the world is upside down now).

 Before I get attacked by feminists, let me stress that I did not invent skirt chasing; it’s been like this since the contract labour system. Men left their wives at home and went to work in the mines and in the farms. It’s obvious that being far away from home and a man being a man that he will take a comfort girl to help ease his frustrations and longing for home. How many out there have brothers from other mothers and sisters from another mister? I am just attempting to make sense of it all by passing it off as a scientific theory (shoot me!).

3^rd Law: The trigger; the feather that breaks the camels back

Every single man has the affinity for los shandie’s, it usually just lies dormant. In a large percentage of men it can lie dormant throughout his entire life. However, it is like a loaded gun; potentially hazardous but it does not become a risk until a human being (usually female, it’s always a female) is thrust into the scenario and pulls the trigger. Bang! Just like that, a guy who was as innocent as a choir boy gravitates towards los shandie’s because one woman broke his heart, I think it’s established that men do not handle emotional heart ache that well. 

It takes one dumb girl to taint a man’s view of women and drive him to start taking them for granted and treating them like disposable razors. I am not saying that an intensely excruciating heartbreak can turn a good man into a serial cheater, but it makes a good man more likely to become a serial cheater (I can already hear women frowning and rubbishing my claims as nonsense).

Word of advice

I suspect that if I tried to pass this off as an academic paper, I would probably be scientifically assassinated. Feminists would call me an idiot and make me walk down the street dressed in a pink loincloth or better yet naked while they throw eggs at me. However, if you look at it from a social interaction studies point of view, it makes a little bit of sense (it’s a man’s analogy, I am sure that a woman’s would be totally different). I am sure women will argue that the los shandie theory is just bull crap and I am trying to justify infidelity and make my gender feel good. However, Reality is what it is. Thus it is better to read, digest and understand before you rubbish and claim that what I have tabled is preposterous. Use the knowledge to your advantage, do not end up a los shandie secretly hoping madam boss gets the chop so you can take her place on the throne (thank me later, you are welcome).