The Good man - Myth or Day dream?

Greetings fellow earthlings, “omwa thikamo nawa momvula ompe?” which means “you guys made it into the new year?”. Compliments of the new year to my loyal readers (the rest of you can chill your guava), wishing you all a joyous and prosperous 2013. Blah, blah and blah, yada yada and yada, all that other nonsense. Now that all protocol has been observed, let’s get to it and hit the ground running. Time waits for no man, what makes you think it will wait for a woman.

Let me jump straight in and tackle a serious subject, at number 2 on the New Year’s resolution list of the ordinary hard working woman is “find a good man”. It is right below “Land that big job” and before “go to the gym”. Although the other two resolutions are far more important than finding a good man, they do not get the obsessive status of the quest that is finding a good man. Most women shouldn’t even bother making resolutions in the first place, but that is something I will address in another post, let’s stick to the subject and not go off topic like usual, let’s leave those things in 2012.

At the risk of sounding like a younger version of Steve Harvey, I will go on record and say that women think they know but have no idea. The definition of a good man is abstract, a man considers himself a good man if he takes care of his siblings, his parents, his wife and kids and earns a legal honest living. If he cheats on his wife now and then and occasionally has one too many then it’s okay because the good outweighs the bad right? Nah! That is wrong; women have been made to put up with bullshit for far too long because of the risk of not finding a man at all. The fear of being alone has forced them to lower their standards, they have settled for less than what they deserved for far too long because it seemed as though the raw materials were in short supply. They let themselves think that men held the power, because a man can choose someone younger, women just assumed that it was okay and they gave in. Little do they know that even though men chase younger and wilder girls on the side, those girls are only good to date and have fun in the sack with, no one marries them (I didn’t make that up, it’s a fact of life). Until women introduce and table a definition of a “good man” and the guidelines that should apply to such without making it seem so rigid and dead then maybe I will take this whole finding a good man charade seriously.

At the risk of being a traitor to my own gender and giving away critical information to the enemy, I will state that it’s common knowledge to keep your friends close and your enemies closer and what’s closer than keeping the enemy in your bed? Huh! Anybody? *hears crickets and echoes*. I thought so, but let us not hide and pretend that men and women don’t play with each other like it’s a game. Stupid thing about games is that there is always a loser, and as civil and sophisticated as humans are, it should be noted that emotional interactions between men and women are like warfare. Scratch that! They are actual wars, with missiles of hate, bombs of disaster and toxic gases of distrust in the air. So what is my point? Do I even have a point? Let’s just put it this way, I will not ramble like I’m a love guru instead I will share what women have shared with me about the myth or daydream that is the good man.

Note: all names have been changed to protect the identity of the women who contributed and shared their stories.

 

Jazzy Josie (23)

“My good man should be smart, kind, loving, caring, honest and loyal. To himself and the people around him, I don’t really have requirements. We must click (interact) and get along very well, hold down a conversation with me (one that makes sense though), he must be able to make me laugh. Notice when I’m sad and he should know when I am happy. He should be my friend, companion. He must have a picture for the future, responsible and he must know what he wants out of life. He should have a vision man! He should have a good paying job that can provide for his family. He must be an intellectual.”

Question: Do you consider his social and financial status when considering his advances?

“Nope, I don’t consider his status, he must be the man I love, who loves me in return with all my flaws, He should be there for me when I need him and should be around for happy and sad moments”

Question: If he fit the part but had a bad history (baby daddy, skirt chaser), but decided to change his life. Would you live with his past? Would it bother you? Would it disqualify him?

“His past would still haunt me yes! If he really changed then he would have to prove it”

 

Sexy Sel (26)

“I like being ‘the hunted’ and not the ‘hunter’. I’m practical and realistic when it comes to whose CV I’d like to shortlist and who I consider a candidate to fill the vacant position of ‘man in my life’. I’m instinctively (but not always exclusively) drawn to the guy who is most like me and I think it’s because, I don’t have expectations  of others (or of a man) that I am unable to fulfil myself. If I say I am looking for a confident, ambitious, well balance man who is family orientated, respectful, humble, who looks good because he take good care of himself. Then it’s because that is exactly what I am putting on the table as well. If I have no personal goals in life, I am obese because I don’t work out, get a kick out of fighting and swearing at other women in random bars, I’m lazy etc. What sense is there in wanting a man live I’ve described above? Exactly, that relationship is doomed; we all know what it’s really about. 

Does status matter? I think it does but not in the direct sense. But it matters statistically speaking. People meet at parties, at work, through friends and acquaintances, I won’t meet the love of my life at a road side shebeen or at the most expensive restaurants where water costs as much as a full petrol tank of my car. I simply do not have a burning desire to spend my time at any of those places. By default the men who hang out at those places are eliminated, my advert for the vacant post would just never be seen by them.

My definition of a good man: Honestly I’m a daddy’s girl and I find more and more that I subconsciously fall for men who have my father’s values and traits. I love and respect him so it goes without saying that it’s those things that would win my love and respect if you want to be appointed! A good man has to be;

1. A good PERSON, personality is key. It’s the one thing that would ensure we even have a conversation long enough for me to consider your application!

2. Friendly and polite. Please, I’m sorry and thank you must exist in his vocabulary and not only when he wants sex, lol!

3. Intelligent and ambitious. I’m not talking about holders of advanced doctoral degrees, I’m talking about the man who learns from life, from others and from himself, who makes intelligent life choices and have desire to better his life and that of others.

4. Genuine and sincere in his gestures. Not because society dictates that you treat your wife or girl to nice things on her birthday or anniversary, he should do it because he wants to

5. Sense of humor. I say this because life can get rough and high blood pressure kills, I want to keep the medical bills to a minimum so let’s learn to laugh together a lot!

6. Family orientated, something to show that he is not selfish, I thinks it’s a fair reflection of someone who takes responsibility for his families well being, however small and how he will treat you once you become his family.

7. Be a believer, again, we are all on earth with a purpose, it gets rough, it gets crazy happy and it also comes to an end. For a human being it’s impossible to go through life without some kind of strong faith, where you draw strength from, acknowledge by whose grace we are even alive. I am weary of a man who believes he has achieved all and will conquer all by his own human will power. Say what?

8. Good looking. Lol! This is not a purely selfish request on my part. I’d like my kids to have a fighting chance in life too; if you’re ugly well unfortunately the world will not be so kind to you! Truthfully though, I do want the winning applicant to be handsome and look like he cares about his figure. It’s just the way nature is and we are no different to the wild animals that choose a mate with features that delight them.”

Question: You sure have standards! Boy, a whole list, overkill?

“Yes, they are needed to survive. But note and don’t forget. I don’t ask anything on that list that I cannot provide myself, one has to be realistic. Some of us love ‘backwards’ with the head first, then the heart follows much later, way later!”

 

Afro pat (23)

“A good man is a gentleman, a hard worker, a man that is passionate, open minded, firm but gentle at the same time. A man should be ambitious, carry himself like a man and treat me like a lady. He must be able to listen to me even when I go on about not so important things, and must be there when I need him the most, in other words he must be supportive and caring. This guy must be educated; he must have a plan for his life and must be able to define my role in his life and his plans. He must be the kind of man who as much as he is hard working, he must be fun loving, he must be able to understand me as a person, he must complement me as a key compliments a lock but of course there are little errors you can live with. I do not have a list; there are just characters I find charming in a man, a sense of humor and a sense of direction in life. Yes his status does not figure so much, depends on how old he is and how he started in life, if the guy just started working obviously you cannot compare him to the guy that has been working for 5 or 10 years. Bottom line is that money many not buy love but it buys food”

 

El hel (cougar) (32)

“The definition of a good man differs from woman to woman. It boils down to what you like in a man. Well for me a good man is one who has respect, is honest, kind, humble, can be trusted and far most be honourable and believe in god”

Question: What if he has a past? Maybe he’s a baby daddy, slept with so many girls that you confuse him for a male prostitute, some are your friends. Would his past matter, even if he changed and found god. And if he is younger than you, say an honest young 27 year old.

“The past doesn’t really matter if he shows drastic changes. Eish! If he is two year younger or three years young than me, but he is mature and thinks in the same line as me, then oh well, he is welcome”

 

Princess Hell-me (22)

“A good man in my words is a guy that respects me, loves me for who I am, understands and is ambitious (I’m sure you have that a million times by now). I won’t really call the criteria I look for in a guy a checklist, but first of all I prefer neat but not too neat guys, if he’s not my height at least he should be taller than me, should not wear sagging pants and huge shirts (in short he shouldn’t be gangster looking). He should have at least a title to his name, does not throw insults, should be educated (very important) and not a drunkard. He should be responsible and a romantic but not a hopeless romantic”.

Question: What is Mr Right has a very shady past and he comes with baggage? Is it fair to judge a man on who he was and not who he is right now?

“I don’t believe that people can change totally, so to me the past somehow matters. It’s not totally fair, but I have trust issue. I don’t believe in a complete change, but if someone can find a way to prove to me that their past won’t resurface in the future, then I can take the risk”.

 

Chameleon (23)

“I don’t care if he packs plastic bags at Shoprite super market, as long he is there to gain experience because one day he desires to become the manager and eventually own his super market. If he has desire and ambition, he treats me right and adores me and he respects god. I will stand by him”

Question: What if he has a past?

“I am in love with a man who has a past, he can’t change that”

Crazy Chris (26)

“Definition of a good man: The hard set in stone mould that we girls have, become more flexible over time. As we get older, the requirements get more realistic, the checklist gets shorter. What must he have? Well, an honest living would be a great plus. He does not need to have a car right now, but he better not be planning to walk for the next five years. In a nutshell and personally speaking, he should be in motion in most aspects of his life. Any questions”

Question: What if Mr Right has a past?

“Define past. Is he an ex convict? Does he have children with different mothers?

Response: Yes, and he slept with your best friend, he was in bed with ‘your girl’. Why judge him on who he was and not who he is now, why not give him the benefit of doubt.

“When did he change again? And what’s his past again?”

Response: The past I mentioned above, just recently (clearly she’s multi tasking).

“My best friend! Aaye oh! Sounds like bad news, that’s a NO!”

 

After reading the revelations mentioned above, it does not take a genius to figure out that women have standards especially young educated women. Which is a good thing, standards are important. Standards and some would say to an extent morals and principles are a woman’s best defense in a world where men only view women as a vagina they can utilize to release sexual tension. In a perfect world all things are fair; however this is the real world. In the real world for every man a woman sleeps with, she loses value in the harsh eyes of judgmental society, conversely for every woman that a man shags; he gains a star on the stud scale. The more men a woman opens her legs to, the more stars she gains on the slut scale, the more women a man beds the more of a hero he becomes. It’s a cruel and very unforgiving world; where the scales are heavily skewed in a man’s favor. No man wants a woman who is like a used tyre, but women can’t use the same stereotype against men, because no woman will put up with a man who can’t stimulate a woman to save his life. Standards are necessary, for women not to lose their value and for men to appreciate what they have (Such is the fuckery of life).

As most of you gathered, women want a man with ambition, a man with a plan and a long term vision.  Not just a dude who lives for the sake of existing. But I’m sure you have noticed that what they demand is not unreasonable, what they demand is that a man has ambition that matches their own. So get with the program fellows, our best women are looking across the colour divide to find a man with ambition (yaa’ll have been warned). One fundamental of life that needs to be understood is that people are not meant to be alone; those women who say that they do not need a man are not only slightly delusional but are fighting biology and creation. Let it be understood that I do not advocated dependency on men, but it’s evidently clear that men and women were created for each other. That is why a woman was taken from a man’s rib, not from his head so she can be above him or at his feet so she could be below him. She was taken from his side so that they can be equals, friends and companions. 

There is this illusion that good men are scarce, an illusion created by narrow and incredibly tiny social circles in Namibia. People are not few and far between, people of the same class are. So am I advocating people to date outside their social class, hell yes! Life is too short to be ignoring the cute maid because you earn three times more than she does. Would I date a woman who is just a cleaner or even unemployed? The answer is yes, if she one day wants to be head cleaner and eventually own her own cleaning company and as long as she is prepared to put up with my bullshit. Love is all about compromise, you can never get perfect and ideal in the real world. That does not mean you have to settle for less, it just demands a bit of flexibility. What I have realized though is that people do not give others a chance to show them who they are; we see what we want to see. Our long and rigid checklists sometimes distract us from letting people show us who they are. I am not saying rip them up, I am just saying don’t take them with you when you meet and mingle, they distract you from paying attention to a person’s personality, you are distracted by how much they don’t quite fit the checklist.

So in conclusion as you can see a good man can never be constrained by a definition it differs from woman to woman, but one thing is common, their actions. The actions of a good man are all the same, only difference is that some men mature early and some run around making mistakes before they realise what a good man is supposed to do. Men are like mud particles in a pond that has just had a large rock thrown in, some particles settle earlier than others (science and what not, density to be exact), but all the particles settle eventually in the same place, at the bottom of the pond. Life like anything requires patience, do not confuse patience with denial and naivety, and do not put up with bullshit. Walk away before the bullshit escalates.

Note: What it comes down to is negotiation and common sense. Feelings are nice, they are beautiful but they are dangerous if undeclared, thus when feelings become too much they must be declared. Women cannot be in undeclared relationships, and that is where the common sense comes in. You can drag a man to the negotiation table but you can’t force him to accept what is tabled, if a man takes you to bars and clubs and never pulls out a restaurant dinner out of the hat or something that speaks of romance and creativity then do not kid yourself (We know where that is heading). If he is not even attempting to sweep you off your feet then I’m sorry to say he will quit it, ten seconds after he’s finished hitting it. Common sense is your most powerful weapon women of the world, if a man will not step up and acknowledge your worth, then pack up and move on. That bum ass nigga is just taking up your precious time and stopping you from finding a good man (you are welcome women of the world, don’t waste all my ramblings).