The lighter side of matrimony (blog edition)

Everyone is aware that I write a weekly newspaper column in Namibia's second biggest daily newspaper right? You aren't, well what rock have you been living under? The thing is that my column has a word and space restriction so I don't really have the freedom and sometimes my stuff has no build up, it's like a premature ejaculation as some fans have said. So I decided to re-jink one of  my column's and publish it as an extended blog version. Enjoy

The lighter side of matrimony

A week ago I was seated in a church so old it smelled like a dinosaur, tucked away in a quiet little corner of the Uukwanyama kingdom called “Ongheleyiwa”. When the elders send you to represent them at an important gathering, then you know that you are grown. People expect you to be responsible, in Otshikwambi we say “Owa koka”, which signifies that the elders have noticed traces of maturity and they trust you not to embarrass them. Mom was like “go son, go make our presence felt”, I think she actually expects me to do grown up stuff eventually like get married and stuff. The peer pressure is immense. I was in this nice place to attend the wedding of the man who taught me how to slaughter a goat, cut down a tree and Mack on girls. As I’ve said in my earlier blogs girls are like aliens to me, foreign and speakers of a language I sometimes find hard to understand. 

I would not have missed this wedding unless the ground opened up and swallowed the African continent, which by the way is not going to happen anytime this century. As always with Wambo weddings there was drama, the priest was at a neighbouring church waiting for the couple, while the couple were at their church 10 km’s away waiting for him. Clearly someone did not send the memo, I won’t point fingers; but weddings are very stressing on the groom so mishaps tend to happen, wait! I pointed a finger didn’t I? (My apologies). In that very moment, the show was missing its most important star. The groom turned to me and said “do me the biggest favour ever”. I didn’t wait for him to finish his sentence I knew what had to be done and I was very humbled to have been assigned such an important task (Like I said people keep trusting me with important stuff). As I rushed across a scattering of villages to pick up the priest, it dawned on that the wedding was a no show without the man anointed to unite the couple before god. When I arrived at the neighbouring church I profusely apologized on behalf of the groom, I even changed my music from House to Gospel. Unlike the Sebastian Vettel esque manner in which I usually drive. This time I was slow and very careful, I was carrying the biggest VIP, there were no chances to be taken.

The priest called us into the church office, my lecture senses went into overdrive. We were about to be schooled in the concept of matrimony. We were given a quick lesson, all the grooms-men and brides-maids were informed that we were there for more than just looking pretty, and the girls were very pretty if I might add (Checks the pictures). In addition to being witnesses we would also need to be advisors and confidants. If the marriage collapses then the phrase "I knew all along that they couldn’t stand each other, I saw them in church", must never be uttered by one of us, all of us in that tiny and toasty church office were bound by honour to fight to keep the couple together. The priest added that it was now our responsibility to help the groom and his bride, he continued "I am sure the one who rushed to bring me safely to this church has already fulfilled that responsibility". I felt very satisfied with my efforts, I was making my mom proud; representing my family in with style and conviction. In my mind I was convinced that I could now hang back and enjoy the wedding. Little did I know the hard work had yet to start, I was going to be reminded why I cringe at Wambo weddings.

The man of God started with the nuptial procession, I think we have all watched enough chick flicks to know what happens next. No one had any objections to the couple being joined in holy matrimony (thankfully), then came the “I DO” part. A slight hesitation by the bride had everyone in the church in suspense for a second and the groom’s face changed until she said “I do”, then it was done. Rings exchanged (after we spent 20 seconds searching for them), marriage certificate signed and bride kissed. We were all good to stuff ourselves and drink like Vikings. Now this is the part where I started to question the logic of a big wedding, everyone looked to the bridesmaids and groomsmen to serve the guests, bring order and generally perform a minor miracle. Instead of sitting down and sipping on some bubbly, we ended up watching the other guests "eat the wedding" while we served them hand and foot, I did my part and kept taking pictures as I had done all day. 

Throughout the three days I was at the groom’s house before and during the wedding, not a lot of people recognized me. Even though I’d spent a few holidays at his house, we basically grew up together. All they saw was a tall guy with dreadlocks walking around, the scrawny Malima (As I am known to them) was a thing of the past. I even had a Darth Vader esque “Luke, I am your father” moment. You guys know the part in Star Wars where Darth Vader tells Luke Skywalker that he is indeed his father, anyone? Really? You guys need to watch Star Wars, What are you doing with your lives? I had such a moment at the wedding but instead of Darth telling Luke it was Luke telling Darth “Darth, I am your son”. Having the man who was the only father I’ve really known not being able to recognize me was really humbling, you can change so much that even people who know you like they know their ATM pin number can’t remember.

I struck up a great friendship with Katie the head flower girl, she was the queen bee of the troop of four flower girls by virtue of height and length of hair. She has that Boss Madam-ish 'je need Sais quoi' that all divas possess in excess. She followed me everywhere, when I snuck away to rehydrate myself with a powerade she wanted some. As I secretly chewed on a chocolate bar, she wanted some, I was sharing like we were a married couple. At one point she demanded that I give her my tie, I started to understand why men fear marriage. I liked Katie's brother Ruben, because unlike the other dramatic ring bearer boys he was cool, calm and always governable. Boys are like roosters, always trying to prove who’s the bigger cock, but my man Ruben was calm and collected, he took things in his stride. He is going to go very far in life if he continues doing the simple things and not sweating life.

 

The flower girls, Katie is second from the right

The ring bearer boys, Ruben is second from left

All in all I didn't quite enjoy this wedding as I had imagined but it was very memorable, I have the pictures to prove it. I wish Mr and Mrs Nangolo all the best, the elders want grandkids so get busy.